Who thinks these are funny?

Physical Exercise

The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." So, I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:

Monday: Beat around the bush. Jump to conclusions. Climb the walls. Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday: Drag my heels. Push my luck. Make mountains out of mole hills. Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday: Bend over backwards. Jump on the band wagon. Balance the books. Run around in circles.

Thursday: Toot my own horn. Climb the ladder of success. Pull out all the stops. Add fuel to the fire.

Friday: Open a can of worms. Put my foot in my mouth. Start the ball rolling. Go over the edge.

Saturday: Pick up the pieces.
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though, it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
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Classified Ads
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel-1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old, unpleasant little dog.

Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

Snow blower for sale…. Only used on snowy days.

German shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered, speaks german. Free.

Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bath home.

Nordic track $300 hardly used. Call Chubbie.

Bill's septic cleaning "We haul American made products."

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile.. Better be
reward.

Largest selection ever; "If it's in stock, we have it."

Georgia peaches. California grown. 89 cents lb.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and
flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Notice: to the person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87
near Southridge Storage. Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin
may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.

"Bar S" sliced balogna. Regular or tasty, save 30 cents on 2.

Open house body shapers toning salon, free coffee and donuts.

1. ummm… Not THAT funny. Ironically funny, though
2. Great!!
3. Jeez… People!! (really funny)